Blah, blah and more blah. My period is due the day after tomorrow but I’ve already got cramps and lost hope for yet another month. The sadness might be worse in a couple of days’ time because I can’t seem to kill off that little demon of hope inside me that keeps saying “maybe these are pregnancy cramps”.
Or maybe not. After a whole year of trying, I am starting to feel in my bones that maybe I am never going to get pregnant, that I missed the boat on having a baby and a family. And from there it’s an easy, easy jump to wondering what the hell it’s all about anyway – what, really, am I doing with my life? Have I made the world a better place? Why am I living so far from home? Why am I going down this career path? Why not just find a nice cushy job and take up hobbies and go quietly into the night?
I am tired and worried and freaked out and sad. I know many, many women out there have been trying for much longer than me to have a baby. And many women have exhausted all medical avenues and had to accept they will not be able to give birth to their own biological child. So I am telling myself to buck up. I will go back to the doctor and start trying whatever other options we have. But for right now, I am hiding under my doona and watching an episode of Castle and trying not to think about it at all.
hubbub 