Mission interminable

I’m 41, pregnant for the second time. Naturally.

Anyone who has been through IVF or infertility investigations will realise just how utterly inconceiveable (sorry, bad pun) this is.

I started this blog in the midst of tests, laparoscopies and IVF, feeling desperate and sad and alone. And I found many new friends here and on twitter going through the same kinds of things. The blog started off being about infertility – the trauma, the financial toll, the prospect of life going somewhere you never anticipated (ok, now I know this inevitable, somehow I didn’t before), wondering if you would be open to using donor eggs or sperm, or adopting, or surrogacy, or other ways of making a family.

Looking back I can see I slipped into a kind of depression during those years – so much desperation, hope, failure, fear, financial pressure. You slog through it, and do the best you can.

I have been distraught many times in this journey – and from what many parents tell me, I will likely be distraught all over again at times raising a child. But it’s made me closer to my family, who have rushed to support me emotionally and financially; it’s strengthened my relationship with Rufus; it’s made me realise just how very lucky we are to have had a child. And how ridiculously unfair the world is that there are so many good, good people who are still trying, or who have accepted that it is not something they will be able to do.

It has also strained certain friendships, either because I steadily withdrew emotionally over time – at times I just felt too fragile to be in public – or because some people are better equipped than others to offer that kind of support. And it has definitely taken a toll on my career, although I sincerely hope that’s a short-term thing.

I hope my experiences in these blog entries are helpful to others going through a similar experience.


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