My inability to wrap my head around this pregnancy is getting to be ridiculous.
I’m 24 weeks along, big-bellied, belching and sleeping semi-upright because of the heartburn. He is kicking away at me even now. But I can’t seem to really believe it’s happening.
In three and a half months he’ll be here. And I just keep looking at Lola, rubbing her cool little cheeks against mine, sniffing her delicious still-baby smell, and feeling sad that I’m not going to be able to give her everything I do now. Who will play tag with her? She has developed a wicked, cheeky little smile to let you know it’s time to chase her about. She shakes her little head when she doesn’t want anything else to eat. She points at things she wants a closer look at. She babbles a lot, and loudly. In a few more months I might not understand all of these little communications. I will be missing the insights that bring them all together.
It’s a very different place, mentally, to how I was with Lola. I fretted a lot during that pregnancy, worried about worst-case scenarios, and I was very very afraid of the actual birth part. But I was also filled with gratitude to be given this wonderful gift. I was constantly struck by the miracle of it all.
This time around I fel a bit disconnected. I forget about the pregnancy until he gives me another kick to remind me. When I am feeding Lola in the evening and she is resting against my bump, he gives a flurry of kicks, trying to mark out a little space for himself. I’m not as afraid of the birth part – I’m more afraid of the many months of broken sleep part, and the separation from Lola.
I haven’t forgotten how incredibly, incredibly lucky I am to be in this position. I thank the universe every day. But I am a teensy bit overwhelmed. Life is like that; so many of the really good things do overwhelm you and make you dig around for resources you never suspected you have.
Having Lola has shown me that I can get up at 4am and still function; that I can deal with broken sleep (not saying I like it), that I can be more patient than I ever thought I could; that my parents are not to be taken for granted; that I’m a grown-up, and white noise is my friend. There’s going to be a lot more, I know. And the arrival of young Bruce Lee/Dirty Harry is going to add to that.