An old boss once said to me, “What you lose on the swings, you win on the roundabouts”.
Seemed a very philosophical way of approaching change back then, when I was only 18, and more so now, when I am 40, about to go on maternity leave, and have just been informed that I will be coming back to a different, reduced role.
The only reason I found out, I should add, is that my replacement announced it on his LinkedIn page.
A nice side order of public humiliation heaped on rage, a general sense of betrayal, failure, surreality and injustice.
Yes, I am extremely pissed off and worried about the future, and upset that poor Lola is being bathed in all of these horrible emotions this morning, try as I might to see the bright side.
It will have to work out, somehow. I know change is often a great thing. And I will come up with a cunning plan. I just wish I could have limped into this maternity leave period feeling secure and confident, instead of beaten. But then, I know I am just so very lucky to be limping into a maternity leave period at all… and I am really sorry, all my friends who have or are still suffering and fighting through infertility, if I seem ungrateful. I’m just trying to refind my focus – I know the most important thing now is that this baby is on her way. it’s just with all the IVF journey, and the major ups and downs of my worklife and horrible interactions with my boss – who told me last time we spoke he thought I would be too busy “basking in the glory of pregnancy” to bother with part of my job – I keeping falling into this puddle of sadness and fear and anger.
Very soon, Lola will be here. Touch wood she is healthy. And I will have the chance to be a mother, to help her through life, and share all of that joy with Rufus and my family and friends.
That is the only real concern. I must think on that, and trust that the rest will sort itself out.