Push this to self-destruct


I don’t understand myself sometimes.

It’s like I am trying to sabotage myself.

Last Friday I had a lot of things to get done for work but was feeling really wretched and exhausted with all of these strange stabbing pains so I didn’t get anything done. Instead of messaging my boss to tell him I was sick, I just let it ride, so Monday morning rolls around and he’s wondering where is that thing that he wanted.

The thing is, he’s not a terribly supportive boss, so my instinct is always to hide away from him. And I don’t want to take sick time, because of how vulnerable I feel in relation to him, even though it’s probably inevitable being pregnant.

So, like an ostrich, I stick my head in the sand.

And now, when I am here finishing up this project, I find myself… procrastinating!

Why do I procrastinate? When I know it’s only hurting me? Is it just a necessary part of the writing process? I sometimes think it is… like when you have a problem or a theory rolling around in your head, and when you’re taking a walk, or doing something else, it’s still there. A passive way of thinking. Then when you back to it, it has crystallised.

Anyhoo. I’m going back to it now, but feeling upset at myself.

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