Lately I’ve been freaking out a bit about our 12 week scan next week, and about what’s going on inside me.
Allegedly our little alien impersonator (seriously, that was a BIG head in the last ultrasound picture) should be about the size of a large plum about now, and beginning to look more like a human.
But I can’t tell! The nausea has gone. I still have sore (and big!) boobs and weird little pains here and there, but maybe that’s the progesterone. I haven’t had any bleeding, so that’s a good sign. Bighead seems to be flying below the radar for now.
I remember thinking people who rented their own dopplers for home use were going a little overboard but now I WANT one! I want some evidence that nothing bad has happened. I wish I could un-know all of the things that can go wrong, un-hear all of the sad stories of friends and friends or friends, un-do that mocha frappucino I had yesterday (evil caffeine, why did I succumb?).
I am trying to hold the serenity prayer in my mind, but the worries creep in.
Since seeing the last ultrasound image, where Bighead seemed to be waving at me, I feel a stronger connection. I keep looking at the photo we have, which shows Bighead with two tiny little fists, poised like a boxer. I can see the curve of a face, and I wonder if that face has Rufus’s lips or my cheekbones. I think it’s a girl. When I go walking, I imagine Bighead bobbling around inside, enjoying the sensation. Listening to Paul Simon’s Graceland and Simon and Garfunkel’s Zoo song and Fat Boy Slim and John Lee Hooker and the Verve and Lily Allen and Nick Cave‘s Ship Song, I wondered if Bighead loves them as much as I do.
I think this new sense of panic comes from approaching the 12-week scan, and the end of the first trimester. Suddenly we’re talking about a whole new level of hope. Could the baby really be healthy? Could we really make it past that important milestone? I am learning that it’s not only TTC that we have to take one step at a time. It’s pregnancy, and I suspect, parenting. There is always going to be something to fear.
Only three more sleeps till the scan. Only two more sleeps till Rufus comes home. And only 11 more sleeps till MIL goes home.