Today I woke Rufus at the break of down so that we could walk to a clinic for our beta blood test. A lifetime ago I was not so thrilled about having needles stuck in me, but now I barely bat an eyelid.

It’s a long walk, lovely walk along clifftops, and the sun came out (this is a very rare thing in Lima, Peru). So it was beautiful, and I was struggling to reconcile how I was feeling. Peeing on a stick two days ago made me go through the awful grief stage already, at least in part. But that flicker of hope will not be killed off so easily.

So as I walked I did allow myself to think how wonderful it would be if beta gave us a happy surprise.

It’s weird that today is Thanksgiving… I’m not American, but somehow seeing my friends talk about all the things they are grateful for, it’s given me some badly needed perspective. I am lucky to have Rufus, and to have such a wonderful family, to have this hope that maybe it’s worked out this time.

Even though I think it probably hasn’t worked this time, I am hoping that somehow, some way, I turn out to be one of those women who have late BFPs even though they were convinced AF was on the way. I would be so happy to know I am actually capable of being pregnant!

In a few hours we’ll know.


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