Both times now the stimulation cycle has turned me into an obsessive, scatterbrained ball of misery.
I keep cruising Google like it’s a magic 8 ball, I think because I am so used to Google having the answer. I want to plug in “Will I have a baby?” And see the answer spring up magically: “Why yes, you will have a charming healthy baby who sleeps well has your eyes and Rufus’s mouth”.
“When will I have a baby?”
“This very cycle, even now that egg is growing nicely. No need to worry dear.”
“Will my career fall apart while I am trying to have a baby?”
“It already is dear, you really better sign off now and go do some work.”
I don’t know why I’m imagining that Google has a kindly, fatherly voice like that; maybe it’s because I could do with a kindly fatherly presence right now. My own kindly father is far away over the seas, and Rufus has been traveling since I started the injections.
Because I work from home I don’t have to face a crowd of people every day and brazen this thing out. Instead I sit here in my home office never getting anything done because all I can think about is whether this cycle is going to work.
I hate waiting. Always have. I churn through novels at a disturbing pace because I HAVE to know what happened as soon as possible. I am a terrible speeder behind the wheel. I am always always thinking, what’s next?
I’m self aware enough to know this is not a great quality in me, that I should have found a way to join the “live each moment” brigade long before now. Nothing has challenged this flaw of mine like IVF has. It’s unbearable for me to not know how many follies I have, or how many eggs are in the follies, and so on. I find it hard to stop thinking about the whole thing, even though I am doing all that can be done.
Circle and Bloom’s guided meditations have been helpful in getting me to calm down, but they don’t come easy to me. My mind still flits around, in panic mode. I’m going to do another one now, and the buckle down and do some work. I swear it. Today is the first day since we started IVF2 that I don’t feel miserable and afraid, and I want to make the most of it.
PS – Went to see Dr E at the crack of dawn for another shot in the belly. You know, I didn’t even look at what it was this time. Cetrotide tonight and tomorrow night, and then trigger shot of pregnyl at 10.30pm Sat night. No salsa for me. And the pregnyl is an intramuscular butt shot. Yikes. Dr E is v relaxed. This cycle has been so different from my first. New drugs of course, but also much less time shuttling to and from clinics.
The first time I had blood tests every second day at least, as well as ultrasounds. This time I saw Dr E on Day one, Day five, Day seven, and we will do egg retrieval on Day 10. I’ve only had blood drawn once! And three ultrasounds. As of today there are six follies at around 16-18. He is optimistic we will get a better fertilisation rate this time. I hope so.