Infertility is a humbling experience. My body has never let me down before. I’ve hiked over mountain ranges, swum lengths of butterfly, whacked training pads in boxercise, dived in the Red Sea and danced salsa and ballet and tango and afro (ok, I am a truly terrible dancer but I try). And through all of that my body has remained strong and relatively fit. It delivers.
But not being able to have a baby is such a soul crushing experience that I can’t help feeling disappointed in my body. “Hey body, why can’t you get your shit together and do this thing for me? What is the deal?”
And now the thing I thought never could happen has happened. I am not enjoying sex with Rufus. I don’t want to have sex anymore. And when I do I want it to end quickly. I get irritated if he wants it to go on for too long; I feel like I could just scream. Today we definitely should have had sex, as we’re in our fertile days. But I just wanted him to go and leave me alone. My brain is saying “Make that baby”. And then answering itself: “Why bother?”
I have read many articles and online discussions about the toll IVF and all of this can take on a couple, (http://www.slate.com/id/2250361/) and I definitely felt smug when I read about other people having trouble with their sex life. “At least that can’t happen to us,” I thought.
Now it has and I don’t know what to do. It’s not that I don’t love him anymore, or even that I don’t feel attracted. Maybe I am just losing hope. And sex has become something linked to performance. We keep doing it and it never WORKS. Which is a fairly joyless way of looking at things, but then – how do you think of it another way after so long. Does anyone have any good advice on how to get our groove back?
The no-gluten, no-dairy, no-sugar, no-fun diet has actually helped a lot with my mental state and my physical being. So has my experiment with learning to jog. I fell off the wagon this week because my boss has been town, and I’m going back to it today. But this problem calls for something more – an attitude adjustment? Weekends away?