I was down – boy was I down – but now I am up again, getting ready to try again, with a new diet, a new exercise regime, a new doctor and a new country. These last two were not by choice, but you have to work with what life throws at you.
Waiting for that phone call from the clinic to tell me whether or not I was pregnant made me a little crazy. I flitted around my home town all day, trying to keep busy and think of something else, but of course nothing worked. In the end, the nurse called as I was in my car on the way home, and I heard the bad news on the side of a highway in the middle of the bush.
Drove home feeling surreal – anyone who read Sylvia Plath’s The Bell Jar, which talks about depression, will get the idea. I was like I was detached from the world, looking at my life from outside of myself. I went to skype to tell Rufus it hadn’t worked, then retreated to the bathtub for a long teary wallow. And after that, for a month, I just felt extremely fragile. More hormonal and emotional than when I was injecting myself with all of those drugs.
Slowly we picked up the pieces. I went to see Sydney based naturpath Gabriela Rosa, who recommended lots of vitamins and a bitter tasting herbal supplement, as well as a dairy-free, gluten-free, sugar-free, alcohol-free diet. I’ve been sticking to that, and teaching myself to job with the excellent “counch to 5K” itouch app, (http://www.c25k.com/)
which is designed for people like me who never saw the point in running.
I also confessed all to my boss, who convinced me to also confide in my immediate boss. In truth, I had a meltdown. My boss has, for the past year, been a complete arse, pressuring me to move countries, not listening to my objections re rate of pay and “personal concerns”. Now he’s being much more supportive – we have a new pact, whereby he has given me some breathing space on the moving issue. So I am being far more productive, having been released from that strain. And he is pleased. So I am feeling a lot calmer.
I also found a new doctor who seems to be very proactive and up-t0-date on the latest thinking. We will try again in September. So here’s my new theme song: