The big yawnowsky

I’ve only told a few friends that I’m trying, without any success whatsoever, to have a baby.

To me this is deeply personal information.

I still remember about five years ago when my brother told me excitedly over the phone “We’re trying for a baby!”  The sudden image of my brother and my very lovely sister in law having sex made me shudder.

Why would anyone TELL people that they were trying for a baby rather than just go about it? This was my line of thinking at the time.

Now I understand.

I still can’t bring myself to tell my own mother – I can’t bear the thought of my parents’ hopes also being crushed – but the need for some encouragement, support, understanding and advice is the whole reason I am blogging.

The medical aspect of fertility is so fiendishly complicated that I have turned into a web creeper – in between work I graze countless sites looking for information on thick womb linings, endometriosis, success rates, alternative fertility approaches, the cost of IVF as far afield as India.

The financial aspect I don’t even want to think about.

The emotional aspect is the toughest, so far. A friend who has been through something like this trying for a third child that never came. Another has surprised me by being very supportive. A Peruvian friend bought me herbal teas in a market to relax me and seems to have her whole extended family cheering me on. And then there’s one of my oldest dearest friends, who has also been through the infertility wringer, who is v good on the practical stuff.

As great as my friends are being, I worry that I am becoming a total bore.

I used to talk about politics or current affairs or a great book I just read or graffiti that I saw on the street, or a new restaurant that I found or a soup recipe or a cool dress or a cheap flight to wherever… now the thing that dominates my headspace is IVF, IUI, hormones, diets, drugs, money (to pay for it all) and statistics, damn statistics.

It doesn’t make for a fun coffee date. I am becoming the big yawnowsky (apologies to the Dude).

This blog has helped me take the edge of some of that. I can have a good prowl around other people’s sites to find inspiration or encouragement. I can write what I’m feeling in a big burst. And then I can go back to the real world.

There’s a few of you who keep coming back and I am guessing you have been through, or are going through, similar things. Thank you for reading about my exploits. I am wishing you the very best with yours.


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