So I am going to have a laparoscopy. It’s a keyhole surgery that will give my doctor a chance to see if there is anything in the vicinity of my uterus that’s preventing me from getting pregnant. It’s been more than a year now of trying and nothing – and at 39 I worry that I will run out of eggs. Maybe I already have!
On some level I worry that maybe it’s an emotional blockage holding this process up. Ideally I would like to own my own home and have a portfolio of investments before I have a baby. Instead I am doing a job that I love, but which just keeps my head above water financially.
Part of me thinks I should opt for a high-paying job with great benefits in a related field, and part of me thinks I would be crazy to give up on a dream job, with all of its flexibility and opportunities for adventure, just to have a sense of security I am pretty certain I will quickly tire of. My own parents had nothing when they had me and I turned out alright.
And as the partner who is always likely to earn the most, I probably won’t have the option in the near future of being a stay-at-home mother. So if I do have to work, why not do something rewarding?
But thinking of having a baby changes everything… will I want to settle into an undemanding unexciting role with benefits if I become a mother? Will I forget about all the career dreams I once had?
If it is an emotional blockage I hope I can miraculously clear it before the doctor takes a peek at my insides next month – one more chance to create the miracle of life before we start thinking about drugs or IUIs or IVF or all the other acronyms out there in the world of “trying to conceive”.