Down down down


How does a person know if they’re depressed? Using google as a diagnostic tool is a slippery slippery slope, and I’m not going there. I am frozen at the moment. Frozen in my workplace efforts, incapable of advancing, watching hours of TV or burying my nose in books or surfing the internet to avoid any real thinking. I don’t want to think, because I seem to always circle back to having a baby. Or not having a baby, more to the point. All of this avoidance puts a hole in workload, and as I slip further and further back with all of my good intentions I feel worse and worse. Mental pep talks are not helping. Exercise has gone out the window. I don’t want to say it out loud but I am waiting… waiting to be pregnant so I can move on with that phase of my life. I have always been very goal oriented, and box-like in my thinking – and the baby is the big box of the moment. Once I have crossed that off the list I will be able to move on with work, career, and other life pursuits. I’m sad and I’m stuck and frustrated and angry… mostly angry at myself but it seems to be leaking out in the direction of other people as well. None of which is good. And what can a person do? Soldier on. Make myself go to the gym. At least get some bite size work projects out of the way every day to get that minor thrill of moving forward. And don’t think.

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