Totally blah

Blah, blah and more blah. My period is due the day after tomorrow but I’ve already got cramps and lost hope for yet another month. The sadness might be worse in a couple of days’ time because I can’t seem to kill off that little demon of hope inside me that keeps saying “maybe these are pregnancy cramps”.

Or maybe not. After a whole year of trying, I am starting to feel in my bones that maybe I am never going to get pregnant, that I missed the boat on having a baby and a family. And from there it’s an easy, easy jump to wondering what the hell it’s all about anyway – what, really, am I doing with my life? Have I made the world a better place? Why am I living so far from home? Why am I going down this career path? Why not just find a nice cushy job and take up hobbies and go quietly into the night?

I am tired and worried and freaked out and sad. I know many, many women out there have been trying for much longer than me to have a baby. And many women have exhausted all medical avenues and had to accept they will not be able to give birth to their own biological child. So I am telling myself to buck up. I will go back to the doctor and start trying whatever other options we have. But for right now, I am hiding under my doona and watching an episode of Castle and trying not to think about it at all.


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